Awkward Hugs

For starters, I'm visiting home right now and it is glorious. Life in Provo is good but home is likewise good, just in highly concentrated doses. It makes me happy, the sort of happy that is refreshing, full, and deep like a drag of ice water after a run. You don't realize how much you needed it until the glass is almost empty.

However, this blog entry isn't about the joys of home (although I'll post stuff about that at some point.

Yesterday I had a conversation about awkward hugs. This blog entry will describe the best of the best of the awkward hugs so you can try them on your friends, spouse, family, etc. Nothing quite shows you care like these displays of affection.

1. Arm trap- Go in for a "bro hug" (see Exhibit A). Once you've initiated the shoulder tap, pull the other person in, let go of the hand shaking hand and wrap this around the other shoulder. This leaves the other person's arm trapped between the two of you with no where to really go. They eventually resolve to just leave their hand patriotically on their own chest (see Exhibit B).



2. The Breather- Go in for the hug and once the person is close enough, breath warm air on their neck. This hug gives exponentially more awkward results in correlation with how well the other person knows you.

3. The Sniffer- Similar to the Breather but replaces the warm breathy exhale witha sniffley inhale. This hug is perfect if you have a cold because no one wants you exhaling your viral breath on their neck and at the same time the sound of your sniffing is acoustically magnified by your diseased state.

4. Back Scratcher- This awkward hug should not be attempted by amateurs because it may be misinterpreted as just "really flirtatious" if performed incorrectly. Obviously you could get away with something slower with a complete stranger. With a significant other I'd try something like a startlingly vigorous scratch down starting mid hug.

5. Midget- When in close proximity, retract your arms and grab the person's sides while keeping your elbows at a 90 degree angle.

6. Keep Holding On- Ignore the "shoulder tap out" and hang on an extra 30 seconds before releasing the person from your embrace.

7. The Leg- Similar to the Back Scratcher, this hug should not be attempted on a spouse since it might come off as flirtatious.