Keeping perspective

So today I learned that Jessica Wilson, a girl who was in my ward last year, was hit by a car and killed last night. She was an amazing girl. She was a gifted teacher, funny, Christ-like, fun, athletic, dedicated friend, all in all amazing. I learned a lot from her as her visiting teacher. She had a strength and moral courage which is hard to fully paint in words. I sometimes wonder if I would have the capacity to be the sort of spiritual giant she was throughout her times of trail and heart ache.

I wanted to take a moment to remind everyone (especially Jill S.) that life is so very short. We don't know when we'll have to leave it. My heart tells me Jessica was able to leave this life with no regrets. I need to try to use my time wisely so that someday I can do the same. I want to look into the face of my Maker and say "God, I lived my life in meaningful ways. I touched the lives around me for good, I was an instrument in Thy hands, I helped others come to know Thee and Thy love, I truly lived my life and now I'm ready to celebrate this new phase in your plan for me, the part on this side of the veil."

No filter

So 2+ times in this last week people have told me that I'm holding back. Many people see me as totally carefree individual (true certain degree since I have every other week off). However, I like to feel in control. If I don't feel moderately in control I will hold back until I do have my footing. As I was sitting here tonight I suddenly pondered what it would be like if I did discard all cautions and fears.

My voice teacher would be happier when I sang above a high E. I'd get a lot more bruises at frisbee. I'd turn down a lot more dates, for better or for worse depending on what sort of person they really ended up being. I'd be even more adventurous (hard to believe, but definitely true).

I often assume a guy isn't interested in me if he isn't asking me out (safe assumption if not true majority of the time). However, I sometimes wonder if some of these guys who I assume aren't interested in me would ever be interested in me if they knew I was potentially interested. My current philosophies of dating stops me from talking to certain guys like this but if I discarded my fear of potentially awkward friendships I might actually find someone I genuinely want to date.

I think it would be educational to see how my life changed if I didn't mask certain emotions. I think its good in certain situations when I hold my tongue or don't speak my mind. Talking to people like incompitent nurses, my sister's ex-husand, etc. would be a little messy. However, letting people know you aren't happy allows them to fix things.

0.01%

Those of you who know me well know I love people. I'm very much an extrovert. I try to be open minded and see the good in other people. Sometimes people do things that frustrate me, trouble me, confuse me, etc. However, I know that 99.99% of the time I can look and see how they aren't trying to make my life miserable or anything. They're just different... We all have flaws, weaknesses, different views of the world, etc. and they're trying to do what they think is best based on their situation in life. I've learned that when I step back to see the other person's point of view I can usually still get along with people fairly well.

However, I recently acknowledged someone who is in that 0.01%. I don't hate her or anything. She has lots of wonderful attributes. She's smart, has great style, lots of wit, etc. However, she is VERY particular about the way things should happen in the world and is very closed minded to people (like me) who don't always see things the way she does. As the months have rolled past, she has developed a strong loathing for me. She basically hates me... Granted, I have done things which might have initially aggravated her, however unintentional they were. I apologized. I know I am a flawed, imperfect human being. She has on occasion pointed out flaws I have which are in fact true. I actually appreciate the fact that she has made me more aware of some of my weaknesses. The problem is that she won't move on or use constructive criticism. She publicizes my weaknesses in front of the ward, is deliberately difficult, sends mean anonymous notes, etc.

Well, life has taken a turn so we've recently seen less of each other, which is good. It felt like a breath of fresh air knowing that we could potentially resolve things with time and space. However, she still has gone out of her way to strike at me. I wish she would just be content she doesn't have to deal with me as much and let us each go our separate ways.

Has anyone else had to deal with someone like this? Anyone have ideas for ways you could express to someone that you hope they find happiness in a place far from you and that they would just leave you be?

Food Cravings

Trivial Facts: Not only are my sleep habits a little erratic, but my nutritional cravings clock is a little off compared to most people. In days gone by I used to start every morning with a bowl of cereal. However, once my sleeping routine went ca-putz, so did my desire to keep up with that particular morning routine. Currently I'll eat whatever I feel like eating for breakfast.

This usually isn't an issue. Leftover chili is as delicious at 7am as it is at 7pm. Ice cream is a good "just before bed" snack whether bedtime is midnight or 8am. I've had roommates give me weird looks as I'm preheating the oven for frozen pizza or am grilling a sandwich but meh, whatever...

The real problem arises when I want special food. You can't go to the malt shop and grab a burger at 5am... Most restaurants won't serve you anything but waffles, eggs, bacon = breakfast food, that is if they're even open.

I'm craving Cafe Rio. Its bad. Cafe Rio won't be open for about 5 more hours and I'm doing stuff with my brother this afternoon. Story of my life friends....

Keeping things in prospective

Just a few moments during the last few days

I visited Amanda and Maren Tuesday for the first time in months which was a lot of fun. During the visit I got to see Maren's beautiful baby Annie. I realized 1. I am ridiculous^10 around babies and 2. That I want to have one of my own so much that I'm willing to keep dealing with the horrors of dating.... I guess dating isn't that horrific and there will be plenty of other good things about having a marriage relationship, but I decided seeing Annie was a good way to keep momentum.

Tonight I resulted a Stat test that was normal and thought nothing of it. A few minutes later the Pathologist informs me that he had been called in for a CBCA Review and that the patient miraculously was testing normal. The abnormal test results the physician had expecting to see again had vanished. The patients family had been crying, grateful that the patient didn't have leukemia. It was one of those moments where I remembered how important my job is. Usually I'm grateful for the buffer that protects me from being emotionally drained, frustrated that there are so many people suffering here. However, it was nice to lower that shield for a split second and realize how much that autofiled CBCA result mattered to some family I'll never meet.

Well, time to get some reading done. Good night!

Dear Provo Library

Dear Provo Library,

This is Jill, your devoted fan. I'm around at least once a week to revel in the glory, your collection of literature, audio books, and dvds. I seldom feel bored throughout the day and this is in part because of you. You are there, containing countless hours of wisdom, entertainment, drama, and pleasure. However, I have a few qualms that I wish to discuss with you.

The books I like to read are never there when I want them. This is fine since I simply put them on hold. A week later I get an e-mail, pick up the book and I anxiously start to embark on a new wordy adventure. Then, in a day or so, I get another e-mail. Then another...

I have the issue that I can't renew any of these books:

354 pgs Lightning
590 pgs Fablehaven book five
657 pgs Mistborn book 1
1001 pgs The Way of Kings

2602 pgs Total

Mathematical dilemma: I simply cannot read all of these books before I have to return one of them half read. Then I have to wait an entire week to finish... A WEEK!! Thats like watching Lord of the Rings and leaving just as Gollum and Frodo begin fighting on Mt Doom. Like Harry Potter being forever trapped in a Quidditch match, never quite finding the snitch.

I propose we find out some rational solution to this issue.... Like you inventing a machine to feed the book into your brain when you sleep. Developing a way to alter to the time/space continuum would also be nice. I suppose you could also form a program to help prevent hold item ambushes... Or I could be better and stop putting too many things on hold at once but seriously, wheres the fun in that?

I anxiously await our next meeting to resolve this issue. In the mean time I have a few pages I should probably consider reading.

Sincerely yours,

Jill

Dreams

So yesterday afternoon I had a strange dream. Usually I can tie my dreams to something that has happened to me recently but this one is a stretch...

So I was making homemade bread and left the yeast out. I came back hours later to find the jar of yeast still sitting on the kitchen counter. I put some of the yeast in a 9x9 pyrex pan with water to make sure it still was good. For some reason, i dumped a lot of yeast and started putting plants in there. The yeast solidified into this sandy dirt. I wander into the back of the apartment for something and a boy in the ward comes over and comments that I have a nice garden, particularly the cryptobiotic soil.

If you can interpret that for me, I'd love an explanation.