Therapy

I hiked a mountain today. Being the impulsive woman I am, I grabbed my MP3, told Jessi where I was going, and drove up to the trail head.

The air was hot and thick with the smell of sweet grasses. The sun was brilliant as it blinded my ramblings across the rocky trail. Wildflowers grew everywhere, first in yellows, then in periwinkle blue and vibrant reds. After scampering, savoring, frolicking up the mountain, I managed to reach the summit.

On the way to the top I had blasted music but as I sat on the kearn and looked out on the entire valley, I turned everything off and listened to the wind rushing past. It was therapeutic to know I was all alone up there on top of the world. A place where no one could touch me. A place where I could leave all of my muddled confusing thoughts behind and focus on more important things like the inhale and exhale of each breath, the sun kissing my bare skin, the pounding of my own heart.

Men and Kitchenaid

About a month ago I was trying to decide what to get myself for my birthday. I'm at this phase in my life where I just buy something if I need it. There aren't a whole lot of things that I really want that I haven't gone out to buy. Something that was on my "to buy" list was a Kitchenaid. However, a Kitchenaid is one of those gifts they give you when you get married. You don't buy one for yourself...

And then I had this ah ha moment where I realized "That may be in 10 years... or 20... or after this life and I won't need a kitchenaid at that point."

So, I bought myself a kitchenaid. I've decided its a physical representation of my failing love life. My resignation that I probably won't be getting married anytime in the foreseeable future...

When he pursues and fits the model of what I'm looking for, something doesn't feel right whether its chemistry, or whatever. Sometimes you brush them off and they leave you alone but then there's the one who won't be brushed off and you feel even worse about the whole situation.

Then there's the guy your interested in but they treat you as "just a friend" and won't ask you out. I know I want to end up with somebody whose absolutely crazy for me. You wonder if has ever considered things so you should give him hint. You feel like your entire heart and soul is out on display as you attempt to give him a "subtle" hint. It feels like you're running around with a megaphone going "I think you're attractive. I'm not in love with you or anything but I think you should ask me out!"

Then I get frustrated with things and snap I end up doing something rash, like flirting really hard and then some random guy. He proceeds to ask for my number and I go "Crap, why did I let that happen?" Of course at this point I've officially labeled myself as a terrible person. I go home, hide away with Ben and Jerry's, whip out a book and pretend things were the way I always imagined they would be.

At least tonight I dine on homemade bread and a giant glass of 2% milk. I guess thats at least a little healthier than icecream.

It gave me a fright...

So I just got back from a night of blues dancing. My apartment feels like its 85/90F. I decide its 1am and I'll jump into my summer night attire (I'm not running around in my G's but I'm still not fit to be seen in mixed company. FYI...). I jump onto my laptop to check some things when I hear a strange shuffling outside.

I pause... I feel suddenly a little self conscious. I'm still frozen like a deer in headlights but after a moment longer, I begin to breath again and continue typing.

GAH!! There it is again. I grab a blanket (even though its a furnace in here) and creep the balcony. There is nothing but a flimsy screen separating me from a potential killer... or rapist... or creep....

I glance down. Turns out my roommate decided to camp out on the balcony. I don't blame her. I might consider doing it myself if it wasn't already occupied.

This is me trying to think through my week off. I haven't had one in a month and I want to make sure its as epic as the occasion deserves.

Wed
Deep clean my room. Listen to Dune at the same time
Afterwards- Run at least 8 miles straight... Swim afterwards if theres time.
4:45pm- Voice Lesson
7pm- Hip Hop Ruitine rehearsal
Eveningish- Prince of Persia. Need to find someone to come with....

Thurs
12pm- Temple with Gabi
5pm- Steve's going away party
7:45pm- Fugitive
9ishpm- Blue Tango @ Ozz.

Fri 9am- Bike to Bridal Veil with roommates
12pm- Make homemade bread
9ishpm- Night Frisbee

Sat
10am- More frisbee
4-5pm- Play practice
6-10:30- Stake Picnic/Talent Show

Sun
Choir and meetings... lots of meetings...
Sometime-ish- Play the game I got for my birthday.

Unscheduled events
Chalk mural
Attatch glowsticks to kites and have kite battles!!
Read stuff from the Library
Hike the Y all the way up

I'm going to get back to my reading then. I just wanted to get all of that written down somewhere so I wouldn't have to try to mentally regurgitate all of that.

Men and work

I wander into work again. Its been a long day. I went to the temple, took care of stuff for my calling, went on a date, and attended a party. I'm feeling energized but realize its the sort that will probably burn out by about 2am.

As I begin my routine maintenance, I'm ambushed by Abeth. She, too, seems to be full of energy. Its a different sort of energy though. I've seen that energy, that glimmer in her eye before. This is the "I've found the man to end your singledom" glimmer.

"Jill, I've got a secret for you!" she declares with animated guestures. "Today I was taking care of something in the OR and I met this Plastic Surgeon. He's GORGEOUS Jill and he's single." I try to keep my laughter to myself as she goes on and on about how kind, funny, ambitious and attractive he is. My co-worker Laureen confirms that he is handsome and single. After about 5 minutes of them raving about how fabulous he is, I finally let my laughter loose and suggest we stalk him on RoloDoc.

The purpose of RoloDoc is to be able to contact doctors after hours but it includes a picture. The three of us hovered around the urinalysis computer as we pull up Dr.****. He is handsome. He also looks about ten years older than me. As they finish their final praises and conspiring on how we'll meet, I pause and dwell on my dating life.

I'm 24 and single. There is no shame in this. If its possible to have too much fun, I probably come close to it. I have time and money, an unusual and potentially dangerous combination. I'm very happy in my life but the one of the things I want most in my life right now has a nasty tendancy to avoid me like the plague.

I wonder whats wrong with me. I don't have a problem getting dates. My roommates tease me that I go on more dates then everyone else in the apartment combined (which isn't true... not most of the time anyways). I can manage to get a steady date stream with a wide variety of guys but nobody wants to be with me long term. I sometimes feel like I'm that filler date, that girl they go out with while they pine over Tasha or Amanda or Jennifer, thats just like me in every way except she has that way of glancing at you neath sultry lashes and can flash a smile that lights up the room.

::sigh:: I'm going to finish staring at blood... If anyone figures out why I'm so not-longterm-datable let me know....

The makings of a nigh unto flawless birthday

4 B-day cards
6.5 phone calls from some of the people who matter most to me in the world.
2 slices of Kneader's French Toast (I know, I'm such a wuss for only being able to handle too... I'll blame old age)
2.5 hours Frisbee
.5 hours at the pool
1 wrath of James Castleton never fully avenged.
1 bag of Doritos and
1 bag of grapes served at Sarah Goaslind's place for a dinner group reunion.
2 beautiful b-day cakes.
1 unexpected gift
1 guac-dog consumed in the company of old friends
2.5 hours of swing dancing

= 24 is gonna be FaNtAsTiC!!!!

On a different note, I'm going to Hawaii this April. I have friends going, I have a wedding to attend, I have an excuse, I've always wanted to go, and here's me taking my lucky break. If any of you want to come along, let me know because I'm gonna hula dance, see a volcano, eat fresh pineapple, learn to surf, go scuba diving, eat wedding cake, and have a ball!!

A Year in Review

Jumped out of a plane
Volunteered at an orphanage in Mexico
Bought a car and paid it off
Finished my first triathlon
Visited Florida and Idaho
Had my first kiss
Regretted my first kiss
Started a 401k
Attended the festival of colors
Learned to swing dance
Started voice lessons
Went through 8 out of 15 temples in Utah
Blew fire

Would have been nice to have "Fall in love" and "Get married" on this list but I guess there's always next year right?

Three more days...

I've been feeling rather old as of late. I know its not true. However, I feel it just the same.