About a month ago I was trying to decide what to get myself for my birthday. I'm at this phase in my life where I just buy something if I need it. There aren't a whole lot of things that I really want that I haven't gone out to buy. Something that was on my "to buy" list was a Kitchenaid. However, a Kitchenaid is one of those gifts they give you when you get married. You don't buy one for yourself...
And then I had this ah ha moment where I realized "That may be in 10 years... or 20... or after this life and I won't need a kitchenaid at that point."
So, I bought myself a kitchenaid. I've decided its a physical representation of my failing love life. My resignation that I probably won't be getting married anytime in the foreseeable future...
When he pursues and fits the model of what I'm looking for, something doesn't feel right whether its chemistry, or whatever. Sometimes you brush them off and they leave you alone but then there's the one who won't be brushed off and you feel even worse about the whole situation.
Then there's the guy your interested in but they treat you as "just a friend" and won't ask you out. I know I want to end up with somebody whose absolutely crazy for me. You wonder if has ever considered things so you should give him hint. You feel like your entire heart and soul is out on display as you attempt to give him a "subtle" hint. It feels like you're running around with a megaphone going "I think you're attractive. I'm not in love with you or anything but I think you should ask me out!"
Then I get frustrated with things and snap I end up doing something rash, like flirting really hard and then some random guy. He proceeds to ask for my number and I go "Crap, why did I let that happen?" Of course at this point I've officially labeled myself as a terrible person. I go home, hide away with Ben and Jerry's, whip out a book and pretend things were the way I always imagined they would be.
At least tonight I dine on homemade bread and a giant glass of 2% milk. I guess thats at least a little healthier than icecream.
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